Your writing always amazes me with how accurate and insightful you are. I thought the loss of a job analogy was a great one . And how you go back and forth between the words on paper and the body experience. Brilliant. Now, think of all the Epstein Victims, they are hearing what their bodies are telling them, but sometimes it takes years to be able to hear it AND accept it. Speaking about it is a whole other level, but the scream is there looking for a paper cup. Would love to see your final piece one day.
Thank you. The Epstein connection fits and you just extended the mechanism. The body knows before the person can hear it. And then hearing it and accepting it are two different thresholds. And then speaking it is a third. Each one requires something the previous one didn’t — safety, witness, someone who won’t look away.
“The scream is there looking for a paper cup.” That’s the article compressed into eight words.
The final piece — I’m working toward it. It’s ongoing and contains multiple documents.
The research paper behind this essay is close to submission. I’m having to translate embodied language into academic speak and it’s frustrating.
I wrote this piece out of frustration because I’m at 33 pages of dense scientific writing fully cited to express something most of us feel and know and could say in a scream.
The book is written. What’s missing is the room where it lands in real bodies. I’m building toward that.
One more comment- you have to be willing to be in your body to feel all those things, eventually getting to the scream, and to tolerate the discomfort well enough to speak about it. This is trauma. And calming your vagus nerve is essential. Yes, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and verbal/ emotional abuse, and am finding my way through it.
I have been feeling this for a while now. And getting on social media less and less and more selectively. But the psyche has been traumatized and the moral injury is real. And the sense of hopelessness comes in and out. The turning away feels like a trauma response. The abused child repressing memories in order to live. Thanks for making me feel less alone. This is why I return to substack - to find community that is frankly missing in real life.
Thank you for saying this out loud. The comparison to the abused child repressing memories is uncomfortably accurate, it’s the same mechanism. The system overwhelms, the body shuts down to survive, and the shutting down gets mislabeled as apathy or disengagement when it’s actually self-preservation.
The hopelessness coming in and out, I can relate. To me it’s the nervous system cycling between registering reality and protecting us from it. Both responses are honest.
And you named something I’m sitting with too: the community that’s missing in real life. I feel that. This space helps. It’s also not enough. Bodies in rooms is what actually rebuilds the thing that got severed. I’m working on that part. Haven’t solved it.
Excellent insight. Stealing a from Pink Floyd: we're all becoming COMFORTABLY NUMB
"I’m writing from the gap where the scream meets the page and flattens."
Splat is where it's at.
Your writing always amazes me with how accurate and insightful you are. I thought the loss of a job analogy was a great one . And how you go back and forth between the words on paper and the body experience. Brilliant. Now, think of all the Epstein Victims, they are hearing what their bodies are telling them, but sometimes it takes years to be able to hear it AND accept it. Speaking about it is a whole other level, but the scream is there looking for a paper cup. Would love to see your final piece one day.
Thank you. The Epstein connection fits and you just extended the mechanism. The body knows before the person can hear it. And then hearing it and accepting it are two different thresholds. And then speaking it is a third. Each one requires something the previous one didn’t — safety, witness, someone who won’t look away.
“The scream is there looking for a paper cup.” That’s the article compressed into eight words.
The final piece — I’m working toward it. It’s ongoing and contains multiple documents.
The research paper behind this essay is close to submission. I’m having to translate embodied language into academic speak and it’s frustrating.
I wrote this piece out of frustration because I’m at 33 pages of dense scientific writing fully cited to express something most of us feel and know and could say in a scream.
The book is written. What’s missing is the room where it lands in real bodies. I’m building toward that.
Thank you for seeing what’s here.
One more comment- you have to be willing to be in your body to feel all those things, eventually getting to the scream, and to tolerate the discomfort well enough to speak about it. This is trauma. And calming your vagus nerve is essential. Yes, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and verbal/ emotional abuse, and am finding my way through it.
And I appreciate your sentient descriptions.
Do you know the Tori Amos song about that?
No, I don’t, I’m unfamiliar with that one. What’s it called? I’ll give it a listen
how to spell scream i dunno... but how to scream a spell i sure do!
TALAL AMAGA LAVAL AGAMA LALAT
That's my abracababra x2 for the purpose of the flip joke lol
another second bad joke, if you get the S out of scream and ask wu tang to spell it....
you get Cash Rulez Everything Around Me , CREAM! scaladaladel yooooo
lol thanks for the laugh and also am a fan of wu tang. I think that hook works even with the ‘s’ added back
Aaaaaashhhhhhiiiiiiiiaaaaahhh!
I have been feeling this for a while now. And getting on social media less and less and more selectively. But the psyche has been traumatized and the moral injury is real. And the sense of hopelessness comes in and out. The turning away feels like a trauma response. The abused child repressing memories in order to live. Thanks for making me feel less alone. This is why I return to substack - to find community that is frankly missing in real life.
Thank you for saying this out loud. The comparison to the abused child repressing memories is uncomfortably accurate, it’s the same mechanism. The system overwhelms, the body shuts down to survive, and the shutting down gets mislabeled as apathy or disengagement when it’s actually self-preservation.
The hopelessness coming in and out, I can relate. To me it’s the nervous system cycling between registering reality and protecting us from it. Both responses are honest.
And you named something I’m sitting with too: the community that’s missing in real life. I feel that. This space helps. It’s also not enough. Bodies in rooms is what actually rebuilds the thing that got severed. I’m working on that part. Haven’t solved it.
Glad you’re here.